The last two weeks have been one of the most painful fulfilling and great weeks of my life. In the face of great pain and adversity, I felt myself wake up to life. Sometimes in great sickness the human tool box of senses get enhanced, however this was not the case, my psychic impressions were the same, auras didn’t pop out at me, I couldnt pick the daily lotto numbers while screaming in pain < Although I wish I did, I love buying useless crap > Let me explain with this anecdote, I have posted here before, but that came alive to me in a different way
One day a man came to the great teacher Bahaudin. He asked for help in his problems, and guidance on the path of the Teaching. Bahaudin told him to abandon spiritual studies, and to leave his court at once. A kind hearted visitor began to remonstrate with Bahaudin. “You shall have a demonstration.” said the sage.
At that moment a bird flew into the room, darting hither nad thither, not knowing where to go in order to escape. The Sufi waited until the bird settled near the only opened window of the chamber, and then suddenly clapped his hands.
Alarmed the bird flew straight through the window, to freedom.“To him that sound must have been something of a shock, even an affront, do you not agree?” said Bahadin.
Since I became a Darvish, I have know all extremes of emotions. Extreme emotion, extreme pain, extreme longing and suffering and extreme loss. I have made many friends and loss many. I have had everything taken away from me, my health, my friends, my sense of security, my sense of control, and many more things which on the surface may seem like simply material possessions but which are charged with meaning because I have carried them for so long. bread to a hungry man and full man mean two different things. But then I have been given a brief momentarytaste that goes so far beyond anything I have experienced in this life.
A few weeks ago I felt myself a pauper, now through some alchemy I am not fully aware of I am being remade, sort of like the 6 Million dollar man. (Do you remember that show by the way the bionic man, Lee Majors? it was a favorite of mine. I watched so much tv when I was younger I wonder why I am not brain dead).
To make a long story short, I have known a lot of pain in my life physical emotional whatever you want, from sickle cell and from many hard trials in life. Monday my leg started hurting . This was the 5-6 times this has happened since Dec. I went to work anyways and was unable to pickup the wife from work.
I went straight home. The next day I was in searing pain and I kept telling my self I can deal with it and I have it under control. After all I have never been in such pain that I went to the Emergency room , once i said that a pain hit me that I hurt my soul. I was litterlly writhing maybe even talking in tongues ( just kidding). Then there was a break. I felt I returned to myself, the pain was a 10/10 not a 50/1o.
Then two very close people called me to see how I was, and both told me to go the ER. after the word ER was uttered I cannot tell you the intensity of pain I was in. I didnt want to live to tell you the truth and I felt I was going to faint. All my pets during this time came to visit me and laid around me, in my pain I remember a friend of mine and composed myself to send him a message through my fone, through the pain. I told him I missed him and it has been too long.
Then the pain subsided a bit. I hate making a big deal of myself, I didnt want to go to the hsopital in a ambulance with loud siren.I prayed that the pain subside to the point that I can take the Xpress Bus to the hospital and my prayers were answered.
They were unable to diagnose the reason why i had such pain. I went to a physician and no cause could be attributed to my pain. I was given pain killers only. Not regular pain killers, Oxycodon – an opium derived pain drug. The next few days are a blur. Every serious pain I had I took an oxycodon and wasnt there, or I would fall asleep. Then just when the pain subsided i got a serious flu, not the swine flu!
I have been in bed for two weeks and hibernating and somewhere in the depth of pain, I confronted myself and all the hurt from the past. And some how I was gracious for all that happened to me. In the spirit of gratitude and contentment a great many things were lifted off my shoulder. I had many epiphanies and I will share them all with you in the days to come. I am still very week, I have lost some weight but I laugh harder and louder.
The pain was an affront like the loud clap, and the glass covering around my heart broke. I feel weak tired and worn out but free!!! Free for the first time in my life FRee!!! I will share my epiphanies with you, I will open as much as I can the book ofmy life but for the mean time I am tired. my legs and back are so stiff and tired from being in pain and its hard for me to sit. I have been really moved by how many of you leave me comment and tell me youlike my site.
I sit here and write in my pain, in my tears, in my despondency and happiness and joy, because I whatever that is true and sincere that I go through I give to you. The words u read are only bridges that supercede the space and time that separate us. I have no material possession worth anything, so I give of myself sincerely to all of you who read sincerely with your heart!