I was asked by someone who read my two posts: Sufism, Stray Animals and Babies and The Cost of Finding the truth? -addendum to Post called Sufism Stray animals and babies what is it that I feel, that I have equated to an enraged mule kicking me in the chest? It’s very hard to identify clearly and also very hard for people close to me to deal with me and my changing moods. I have to thank my wife and my friend from the land of eagles for listening to me and not drop kicking me or showering me in a slew of words.
Basically what happened is after meditation or prayer if you can call it that,or am in a holy place, like visiting the church’s grotto near my house, afterwards I feel content, and otherworldly content and happiness. (For some reason for a while now I have not been able to sit and parrot prayers, what I call praying is just like an open conversation, I just talk not looking for help, because I feel that pusilaminous. We are never given more than we can handle) Then this feeling of something akin to sadness settles down on me, or despondency. Its awkward because I have nothing to be sad about. I am quite happy, I don’t remember a time when I was happier. Sometimes the sadness or despondency is profound. This isn’t the first time this has happened to me , or rather I mean similar things. When I was younger I was really down and depressed, it was because of the situation I was living in, well 85% the other 15% I have absolutely no clue.
Of course my emotions are though intense, a mess. They are everywhere. I am happy deep down inside and yet I am wearing this cap of despondency, and melancholy. There is no solace, reading old book that I really like, eating my favorite cereal (Raisin bran btw), or listen to music don’t really make me happy. Its again ironic I feel happy deep inside and I feel alone and despondent and melancholy, and yet I am looking outside for something that will make me happy again and dissolve away the sadness and despondency I feel.
I hope that makes sense. Despite all this I work a few jobs manage to laugh here and there and tell jokes. It’s just an awkward position for me as my life has gotten almost infinitely better than it was before.